I slumped against the wall. Face the crowd …what for? A middle school graduation certificate?
“You ‘k?” Mandy brushed my bangs out of my face.
“T-think so?” I asked.
She shrugged, “I’m nervous too, but I’m sure it’ll go well.” My heart slammed into my ribs painfully and my mind screamed with fright.
“See you at dinner,” Mandy said. I clutched the shirt over my heart and watched her leave. My knees crumpled beneath me and I collapsed to the ground shaking with relief. Talk’n is stressful. Avoiding everyone on my way I slipped back into my bedroom and locked the door. Collapsing onto the unmade bed I stared at the ceiling. The glow-in-the-dark stars glued to the ceiling were barely visible in the noon-day sunshine streaming through my window. I craned my head back to look at the inspirational sayings taped over my walls: one step at a time; you can do this; you were born original, don’t die a copy; if you can dream it, you can do it. Rolling onto my side I curled into a ball, how can I ‘do it’ if I can’t even talk to people?
Mom knocked on my door and said, “Honey?”
“Uh?” I asked.
“Time to get your suit on,”
“K’k,”
“And don’t forget to brush your hair.” she said. I rolled my eyes and smiled, Mom worries so much. Welp, don’t wanna disappoint her. Sitting up I glanced at the clock on the wall, thirty minutes till execution, I meant, graduation. The suit Mom had ironed this morning lay across my desk. After slowly dressing my nicest I brushed my hair and slid my dress shoes on. Hesitating, I stared myself in the mirror. With my hair slicked back and in a tie and all, I look a lot like Benedict. Clenching my fists I pressed back the scared, anxious ridden facial expressions that threatened to surface. Make Benny proud! I practiced an excited smile then shook my head, not right. Instead, I tried a serious smile —like Papa always has when something good happens— but found myself just looking creepy. Next I put on a casual camera smile. I look so fake. My usual anxious frown resurfaced as I found myself unable to find anything that looked natural. Guess the first one was ok. Practicing the excited smile a few more times I worked it to almost natural looking.
“Noel? Mandy’s ready, let’s go,” mom said, tapping on my door. I stared at my wall, breathe.
“Noel honey, are you ready?” mom asked.
“Mhm,” I lied. I’ll never be ready.
“Let’s go to the car then. I don’t want to be late.”
“K’k.” One last deep breath, then I opened the door and made my way to the car. Mandy, my cousin —also graduating— was waiting in the car.
She smiled at me, “I’m so excited …can you believe I’ll be high school next year?”
“Yea,” I said, fearing if I said more my nervous stutter would show.
“Really?” she frowned, “I don’t look that old.” I stared out the window. What did she expect me to say? No?
“You could totally be a college student though, you’re always so serious and aloof.”
Shoot. Didn’t mean to come off as aloof. I hope serious and aloof isn’t a problem… “H-h-how so?”
“Hmm? Oh, I don’t know. You’re so quiet and … and when you do speak you always sound like this a life-or-death matter.” Mandy smiled at me and shrugged.
“Oh.” I slumped in my seat as we pulled into the school parking lot. Mom parked the car and got out.
“Thank you for the ride, Aunt Tina,” Mandy said, throwing her purse over her shoulder, “See you when the ceremony begins.”
“No prob, honey. Sorry your Mom couldn’t be here to watch.” mom said. Mandy shrugged and hurried across the parking lot to join her friends who had also just arrived. I trailed after mom into the school. The next few minutes were a blur of talking and running around of children and voices yelling instructions over speakers. Finally we were all seated and the graduation begins.
“Mandy Hoffer,” Mr. McFaly called. Mandy stood up and —glancing at her friends for reassurance— marched up to the platform as confidently as possible. She held up her diploma for the picture, then shook hands will all the teachers and made her way back to her seat.
“Noel Shield.” Mr. McFaly called, “Um … Noel Shield.” I jumped, that’s me! The blood rushed into my face and I shot to my feet. Shoot, I was so focused on not being anxious that I completely zoned out. Clutching my shirt over my pounding heart I walked slowly up to the platform and … my feet slowly stalled. Face them all at once?? One teacher in a large class is one thing…but …all of them …all by myself. My head swam and I clutched my bangs with one hand; the other remaining firmly attached to my shirt. Benedict’s voice echoed in the corners of my mind like a child trying to comfort his scared cat:
“You don’t have to be scared. Nothing is going to happen. They won’t do anything to you.”
“Noel Shield.” Mr. McFaly’s voice pulled me back into the present. My face burned and my stomach ached. Slowly I dragged my feet across the floor. My feet were lead blocks as I raised them one by one and made my way onto the platform. The crisp blue diploma was set in my hands and I dazedly turned to face the crowd. My lips cracked a half excited, half scared smile and the camera flashed.